Hard work and Existence?

Hello!

I know I write more scarcely but there has been lots, and I do mean lots on my mind, and the closest segway into all that concerns school.

Currently I find school difficult and delightful as a rollercoaster to a height-frightened adrenaline junkie. It has caused me lots of frustration as well the knowing that I have no escaping the chance of errors if I ever wish to get out of the Beginner role in interior renovation. I find myself putting higher stakes in my projects than the necessary minimum (picking thicker wallpaper, using decorative techniques that require special work conduction hard to grasp), forcing myself to disregard the future possibility of being told off to focus on the now. Sometimes even getting told off and crying tears of frustration for 2 minutes in the bathroom because despite how much I prepare, my emotional body is in an entirely independent and fickle mode that defies expectations. Still vulnerable.

I’ve been contemplating on where goes the line between productive hardship and martyrdom. What makes me deem what is worth disregarding the very possible emotional struggles. So far I got into the pitfall of searching an universal truth on way of life. Because there are rules from society. Human nature exists and some points are universal. Some things are highly common in their evolution and chronology.

But despite all that, people can be unpredictable and contradicting, me included. I like change. But I also like routine. I’ve realized it’s a very grey area where to balance stability/impulse, and it’s a cause of day-to-day frustration. By my inherent character, until further notice, I am pretty much doomed to not be satisfied with a sufficient routine and/or accomplisments longer than a few weeks at a time. I don’t like status quo.

I used to like it. I liked taking simple short-term pleasantries in life aside a few exceptions that were easy to maintain. But school has changed my mentality about that. And by proxy, life. Existence has become difficult due to the constant awareness that the things I seek come through uncomfortable hardship. This idea also reinforced by my partner who is also heavily contemplating his place in life and society.

It’s a consensus I am willing to abide to with him, knowing there is a way to satisfaction (and most thrillingly, variety) in such a life stance. Especially if we lead it together. And thus I am not searching any more for an universal truth, I am searching for a life philosophy that’s most effective to the life I choose to lead.

It’s easing to me as well interesting how we inevitably pick a direction from our circumstances, inherent characteristics and our mentality, motivation, so on… Life, yes, throws hardships in all of our ways, but at least we can choose how we handle them and decide which hardships are worth (and in the moment even possible) for us to overcome. And due to such major differences and possibilies, I can’t possibly flatter myself that I’m searching anything more than a personal philosophy.

And thus I’m currently dabbling in philosophy starting with Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations, after I finish Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. The latter I can say is very thought-provoking, especially since I know little about parallels from Christian literature. There are many, but acceptably justified in my eyes as an agnostic.

I think I got my thoughts out now 😀

Have a Great Day and until next time!

-Ann