Hello~!
The last two weeks have been extremely busy with work and it really made me put things into perspective. Last time I left off with a thought of why I’ve chosen not to seriously pursue creative goals and today I am going to tell you why I’ve changed my mind on it.
Right now it’s been about 4 months that I’ve been working full-time as a construction painter. It has been difficult, exciting, eye-opening. Physically very taxing in a way that has benefitted my overall fitness. But still, I burned myself out hard. It has made me look into a metaphorical mirror. While I love to read about different economic and financial plans, money is not my prime motivator. Not even enough to efficiently keep at a full-time job. The part of me that yearns creative pursuits started screaming inside from neglect, and the resulting stress really got to me.
It’s a bit difficult to accept it. I guess I’ve been intimidated to really take these pursuits on (always an excuse to keep those aspects as only hobbies). I see people around me that have amazing skills in arts, in music, working jobs while practicing. Because practice indeed does make perfect, or at the very least impressive progress. It’s an unsure industry in terms of stable income, and I wish to offer some stability to people close to me. That’s what’s discouraged me from time to time, yet I can’t apparently leave these hobbies unattended without making myself feel miserable (which I have been clearly doing).
I talked with my chief and she offered me a part-time option. It sounds ideal, although in a sense frightening. I don’t want to let anyone down, no less the people close to me. A part of me asks “Every adult works full-time, how can’t you handle it?” It feels something akin to failure not being able to grind through it. I don’t want to be weak, on the contrary I’ve been striving half of my life to be anything but. Still, the world is a complex place with many curveballs in store. I discussed it with my fiancé, that despite everything, I miss my drum set, I miss the spare energy even if it means less income. My true passions lie a bit elsewhere.
He supports me with this. So, after a month and after some anxiety over being rusty, I sat down behind the kit and had a thorough practice session. Remembered where I left off, and took on a new set of grooves. Something decompressed within that hour. I feel happier, I feel more relaxed, I feel on the road again. It feels daring, really crafting myself a weekly opportunity to really give way to progress. It gives me a kind of thrill and I feel absolutely grateful that this is a chance I can take. And still maintain some sort of income and practicality.
It makes me ponder though, how much is within us that we can’t control or can’t change? If it were up to my rational choice only, I would’ve chosen not to get wound up by the lack of energy to put elsewhere. I would’ve driven on efficiency for long term financial goals for at least another 8 months. Yet still, I do feel grateful that things have gone so far how they have. Grateful for my chief being accommondating to my nature that isn’t an ideal fit for this type of work, for my fiancé and my mother being supportive through my existential confusion.
I have learned so much about myself through this situation and it’s gonna be another round of trial and error until I get my life dynamic in order in a way that’s both productive and fulfilling. It seems like this is what becoming an independent adult is about – finding your place, reconciling the conflicting aspects of yourself, testing how to go about life in a way that works! Not only materialistically but also integrally.
So! For now I’m signing off and giving this a bit more thought!
Have a Wonderful day and Until next time!
-Ann
One Day at a Time 
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