So right now I’ve been doing little else than resting for the last 2-3 weeks. Thinking things over, talking to people, discussing different mindsets, core values, a lot of things that make us do the things we do. Also been crocheting, drawing, drumming a bit and a lot of gym visits.
More and more have I met people who relay the message of “Control less, go with the flow, let go.” It’s something I’ve lived by fairly confidently in my teens, but last few years have forgotten entirely. These late weeks, my mindset about it has significantly improved in a way where it doesn’t evoke distrust against myself (“I can’t trust myself to commit to this plan, I’m too airheaded”), but rather turn it around to self-reliance (“I trust myself to handle whatever comes up”). Still, it’s not clean progress and I feel my mind slipping up every now and then. What’s gotten easier is quieting it down, when the thoughts do get into a state of worry or worse, self-criticism.
An old friend of mine said it well “If you even make the practical decision, it is your decision to accept and own. Nobody else’s.” It’s slightly paraphrashing since the discussion happened in a certain context, but overarchingly, the point was clear from the start. I’ve been very afraid to face myself full-on in fear that what I find there might be difficult to the people close to me. But it all comes back to self-trust, because no one else is obligated to make my decisions for me. I’m who’s living my life, who’s looking through my own eyes.
So what I’ve been doing is observing myself on the side after getting encouragement from that said friend. It is difficult to not feel guilty. I’ve noticed I feel guilty a lot in the back of my head. Over small things, over simple things like not occupying myself with tasks all the time (even though I’m on vacation). For deciding against making detailed long-term plans in favour of trying out a more laid-back approach. Not thinking of time, time, time constantly. Not planning every hour of my day. Just, observing what I do, when I do, how I do it.
One of the main reliefs that’s reached me is that I’m not a 500% slacker like I was afraid I would be. In the back of my mind, at some point I’ve started to believe that nearly every human would be prone to absolute laziness if they could take that chance. And that I would definitley be among those people. I’m glad to be proven wrong. I’ve been itching to go back to work ever since the second week of my vacation began, the want is persistent.
I still do things like clean a bit here and there, circulate my hobbies and watch a lot of documentaries, not just fiction. Gym is the most regular thing for me and for some reason so easy to keep as a habit. I do an intense 50 minute bootcamp workout in the virtual training hall every other day and I am loving it. Putting my body through proper exertion. I also love to stroll a lot and have a trusty handful of people up for it.
There are new potted plants, two of them actually, on my windowsill. A small ponytail palm and an echeveria. I haven’t had a plant of my own a long time since I’ve had a cat. But after some thorough research for cat-friendly plants, window shopping and training my cat (who says they aren’t trainable, they learn well), the plants sit peacefully and largely unharmed. Pootsman (aforementioned cat) knows the living room windowsill is off-limits, but the cat-grass sitting in the kitchen is fine to snack on as much as he wants.
So as you can see, it’s not all doom and gloom, I’m not as chaotic as I feared. And I’ve become more and more grateful for the very little things. A lot of things click to me, a lot of great things happen. The friend of mine who asked me the right questions taught me that sometimes the objective thing just needs a different angle from where to look at, and it may be closer than expected. Sometimes the right question towards a wrong situation makes it all right.
So all I have left right now is a call to settle one thing and life can continue on more actively. I’m not gonna say I’m 100% confident, but necessary things have to be done!
With that I’ll be signing off for now.
Have a Great day and Until next time!
PS. An obligatory picture of my cat being a cat
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