Hello dear readers!
Lately there has been another ton of changes and I hesitated greatly before wanting to write a new post. I felt like my thoughts weren’t as cohesive as they could be, but now I feel I have reached that point and I have a lot to share!
So, I’ve changed professions! Now I work as an administrator at a Spa, and I’ve honestly found a newfound appreciation for client service (since there was some time away from it). I really like the environment and doing my best to learn the ropes! Where I’m still in a stalemate, is my hobbies and passions. I don’t really want to force myself to commit to one only hobby but I’m used to thinking big. Thinking in mega-ambitions. Lately a question keeps popping up: What if I don’t have to be highly ambitious?
It’s a foreign thought. It’s a scary thought that goes against 20 years of living. But it’s something I haven’t really considered before. What if in drums… I don’t set more than a goal to, for example, be able to cover Rebel Yell? In drawing no more goals right now than finishing my two portrait commissions? What if I don’t fantasize how to make a living out of either of them because it’s quickly and highly overwhelming. I search for details before I’m even remotely near personal relevancy.
I guess I am slightly afraid of doing things that end up not having any meaning. That if I dont commit to crocheting for example, then what little I’m doing is going largely to waste. What if I shoot low for a while and take things as they come? As a thought it makes me anxious. But I’m so pleased with how my life is currently. I really am. The niggling voice in my head is urging for me to drive for more. Already wants to plan, seek, commit to a plan and start the familiar process of overwhelming myself.
Doesn’t stop me from making a few holiday decorations tho.
Most likely it’s namely because that’s a familiar way to act for me. Secondly there are some imaginary self-expectations I’m projecting outwards as if others expect these things from me. To be entirely honest, right now no one is expecting more from me than I’m already doing. No one is asking for more nor forcing my hand. Writing it down like this really helps me solidify it. If I think of the prospect of touring constantly with a band, I kind of don’t want that. Occasional jams or even gigs yes, but I don’t want a full-fledged music lifestyle. And right now I don’t want a full-fledged artist lifestyle either. I wouldn’t trade the current place I am in with life for those. I like communicating with people. I get to do that a lot. And discovered last year that I am actually a team player, which makes me more grateful for the job opportunity given to me.
For now I am so grateful for the people around me, and how life is set up, giving me the freedom to do, to decide. To have the freedom to choose a hobby activity. I really don’t want drastic changes. Small improvements yes, of course! But the impulse to change my life around any means necessary, for now I feel none of it. But what I need to work on is telling myself that it’s okay. It’s okay to be satisfied with where I am and enjoy it. At least for a bit. Because it’s not a situation where I am lazy. I actually have a surprisingly good grip on nutrition and household chores considering my fiancé has been on a ship for weeks by now and I’m managing things here myself. Usually I lose grip on things when left alone for too long. This time has been different so far.
I don’t know how long it will take to come to terms with not feeling irrationally guilty over not aiming to the top of everything I do, but I will be trying. Because I really have so much to be grateful for. For everyone and everything in my life really. And I really want to take the time to just appreciate it and live it. Live with not aspiring to drastic change but just flowing along with over-time improvements. Because I still want to play, to draw, but not that seriously. Maybe one day I’ll click with a passion plan for a longer term, but today is not that day.
With that I’ll be signing off, thank you for reading and Until next Time!
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