It’s been quite a while since I last wrote on here. After the beginning of 2019, I was fairly stumped on how to recap and conclude. You could say the time for that was a bit raw. For the first two months of the year, I’ve felt in between with everything. My drum kit packed away in December to make room for the tree and still on standby in that corner. Putting a stop myself on the snowballing art commissions I had in the end of last year. Working out fairly consistently but still not feeling a passion for any area to focus on (Despite that, I’ve luckily maintained my weight).
This year I feel I cannot think a clear narrative for myself in any major aspect. It’s like setting myself up in an uncomfortable way. I guess I don’t feel safe in letting myself feel strong passion. Relative passion yes, but the problem of committing to one singular hobby is everlasting. Lately, anything more feels like brainwashing myself. Though, I do have figured out a few things that have lasted through these few months of absence.
The problem: Not feeling safe enough to take on a creative pursuit.
Solution: Figure out a way to make myself feel safe. Then pursue creativity.
Working out that solution in itself is providing me with a steady feel of thrill and passion in a way I am not way in over my head. The security I’m talking about is financial. Yes, I earn well and I’d like to think I’m doing very well in my job as a Spa and Sports’ centre administrator that I don’t have to fear for longevity. But human resource and time are both limited. So I’ve spent these months learning, researching, eating up all the info I can about investing. Gold, stocks, bonds. Saving up and keeping tabs on my expenses down to the cent. I never thought I would enjoy the process, but every cent I save, every euro I invest, is a step forward. A sense of gratification is constantly present. The plans with finance are malleable and the info available is absolutely astonishing. The more I dig the more opens up so it’s a never-ending stream of learning.
This is what I mean by a shift in gears. My creative hobbies are on hold, or at maximum in a semi-active state while I have begun to pursue a journey to lead me to eventual financial freedom. With that, most likely the tone of my blog will shift as well and that is probably the thing I had been avoiding. But honestly, these goals have been my juice to motivate me to do my best at work, to look past the fact that I do not have nearly as much company around me as I used to. As an extrovert, a small sense of loneliness is constantly present. But I rather be a bit lonely and see those friends succeed in their own diverse ambitions than anything else. We do meet every now and then, but my mother’s words still ring clear in my ear “Friendship as an adult is different. You barely see them, but when you do, it’s as if time hasn’t passed at all.” The people I do talk to frequently, I’m highly appreciative of them.
I’m also highly appreciative of my fiance. He’s so supportive and himself ambitious. He has just gotten back from another 2 months of work on the ship, now resting up. During this time I feel we have grown especially strong together (ironic, I know). The air has shifted a bit and it makes me feel more free, more able to convey and communicate. The irrational insecurity and self-consciousness of possibly ‘never being good enough’ in me has taken a defined back seat. I can’t help but to be excited for every day nowadays.
With that I’ll be signing off.
Have a Wonderful Day!
Currently playing: New Order – Blue Monday
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