Let’s talk about control…

Hello! This is a topic I have been ruminating over a few weeks but found the root in a private vent within my own notes during my bus ride home.

I have been lately easily agitated, especially by things I generally manage to brush off. But if there is anything I have learned, it is to not blame others, but take responsibility for my own reactions. I like that mindset and I agree with it. But.

People are different and sometimes my mind still wants to pin my frustrations on someone else.

Now I’m generally an intense person. Give me a subject and I’ll become obsessed with pushing myself. And I want others around me to succeed in their goals as much as I want my own.

But I cannot control how much drive they have, how much time they put in. It could be a small priority which I misjudged due to my own intensity. I desperately have been wanting to control everyone’s attitudes and actions around me through an intense motivational and somewhat competitive lens. For them to be as hyped and obsessive into throwing themselves into achieving a goal.

There are a few reasons for that. A lot of my social circle are physically away and it has made me feel lonely. I’ve been trying to seek great common ground to compensate. I’ve spent more than I’d like missing my past. Right now I’m strolling home with wonderful weather writing this on the go, and it feels good.

Fact is, the only thing I can control is myself. My skills, my attitude, my body. So yes, it’s a reality I don’t have much of a stable face-to-face social life currently. As much as I discuss this with the people I do meet and see (a lot of them at work), that’s adult life and normal. Even if I feel it’s somewhat unfair cause ‘Cmon, I’m an extrovert!’ and used the phrase ‘I’m forced into introversion.’ Man, that’s a thing I really have been hiding behind. Despite writing this I still feel my mind holding onto that. That I’m the victim here.

In reality no one is forcing me, and no one owes me anything. If I really wanted, I could find events anywhere in the city. I spend my time training and learning. I talk to people then and I feel engaged. When idle, my mind keeps beating itself up on ‘Is this productive enough? Is this the right thing to do with my time?” Those are old thought patterns and I am aware of them.

I have also felt aimless as my progress on multiple things has been extremely slower than I’d like and the revelations came one after another, making me really sad and dejected by the end. I’m still very afraid of something I can barely articulate. Loneliness? Being nothing special? Loss of control? Certainly those things are tied into it…

I am afraid of my dreams dying, is the best way to put it. But then again I also know I have lost objectivity in the state I’m currently in, which in itself is not nearly as bad as I perceive, all things considered. I don’t know how to approach that fear yet, but I know it can’t be left in the air.

Thank you for taking the time to read this one.

Have a Wonderful Day!

-Ann

Currently playing: Armin van Buuren – Blah Blah Blah