New year New me… right?

Hello! It’s been a long while since I have written here. Mostly because I have a lot of changes going on, given maternity coming on. I will talk about that in detail in another post, when I have announced what I need to everyone important. Right now I’m in a mental state I have not felt for a very long time.

Some of you may know, exercise was something of a strong staple in my life. And I don’t mean moderate, I mean max out until I feel like jelly inside and out kind of workout. I treated it as a hobby. Only now that I have to limit my effort do I realize how much I lived and breathed the process. It was my mental rock when I felt alone or simply downtrodden. It was a process of self love to the highest capacity I think I could.

Needless to say, now having been 2-3 months away from that rewarding regime, the most difficult part of coping is exactly this. I get moody over small things, and get an itch, knowing I’d usually be on my way to the gym. Downtrodden is a state that’s a bit more common for my comfort nowadays, but I’ll deal. One thing I am grateful for is that this proves that I love physical activity, I wasn’t just deluding myself. Intentional laziness on that front won’t be an option in the future when I can eventually turn back to my beloved free weights.

So what else has been going on in my life. A big challenge. One of my biggest after working in construction. Driving school. I have had peripheral interest in driving at best. That can be attributed to the fact I’ve grown up without ever having a car in the family. To contrast, my husband grew up with a car and finds it an absolute necessity. I’ll concede to seeing it as a great bonus, but necessity is still a stretch for me.

I’ve been actively taking driving lessons ever since the end of December, I was good, now I feel I’m mediocre at best. Despite that, I’m too stubborn to quit now, which is a strong but almost a sole motivator. I keep that fact hidden because yes yes, rationally saves time, is more comfy, especially with a child one day and so on, I know all of that. I know they’re good reasons given I’m served them by every person I discuss this more in-depth with. But they only make me annoyed more than anything. I see them more as results after completion, not motivators. I’ll enjoy those things when I get there, which is not this very moment. Right now they are preemptive celebrations I do not wish to have.

This very moment it’s the fact it’s a challenge, it’s a skill to learn that I have invested loads of money into already and I don’t like to half-ass big things. I try to go one step at a time to keep track. There’s still a lot to go and it’s unbalancing if I think about it too long. In conclusion, the process is frustrating and highly uncomfortable for me who has never set driving as a priority, but let’s do this. It’s too late for me to go back and that is a perfectly valid reason to keep me going.

So yeah, this year I feel like I’m regressing, but in actuality, everything is progressing, just a bit more differently than I imagined. All in all, things are good, but sometimes I just need to write out that mental jumble in my brain.

Have a great day!


Listening to: Toss A Coin To Your Witcher

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