It has yet again been a while since I updated this blog. I wanted to, a lot really but then the world changed. Along with pregnancy (now about 6 months along), every day has brought constant changes, new adjustments, anxieties to work through and so on.
I’d say in Estonia, right now it’s calm. We have been in state emergency for over a month now, the healthcare system is not overrun, I try my best to social distance as much as possible.
Honestly, it was depressing, alarming, scary at first. Especially when the news came in regards to labouring, no support person allowed, no visitors as well. Now, this boy is our first child so it took a while to process since as a first time parent, I’ll be facing so many new situations anyhow with or without the effects of coronavirus to society. My due date is in the beginning of August, so it’s possible that things aren’t as strict then. Still, I try to be prepared.
My driving lessons – I was so close to finishing driving school, maybe about 2 weeks of lessons left. After that I could’ve made my way to the DMV. Another source of frustration I’ve made peace with by now.
So, about a month I almost never left home. We don’t have strict lockdown, more like social distancing and 70% lockdown. Still, there’s a good portion of people that seem to not care despite it. I went through a few long days of being absolutely jaded, mad at society, resentful. There are bouts of productivity intermingled with with lethargy. Recently I developed some nasty insomnia. I went 4 days basically sleepless (1-2 hours of unsure rest on the 1st and 3rd day), until yesterday night. I got some fitful 5-6 hours in.
It has absolutely slammed my productivity in terms of intellectual pursuits. I keep on questioning myself if what I’m doing is worth it, will I stick to it. Sense of security is thrown off. I started learning art anatomy to get myself back into drawing, which brought out the same old dilemma of passion vs usefulness. Honestly, at the moment my mind doesn’t have much energy to deal with that carousel again.
Two days I’ve allowed myself to go on late walks. About 3 km per day, it’s been nice since I can walk on the grass fields. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t most likely go out, since even late there seems to be a lot of traffic. I’ll most likely move the time up to early morning, but I really don’t want to do that before I sort my sleep schedule out.
Needless to say, overall tempo has slowed down, with life in general. There is more appreciation to the smaller things in life. I’ve gotten used to the unsure state of the world by now, all that’s left is to keep myself motivated to make something out of this time. I’ll keep going with web development, but right now priority takes sorting out my sleep to at least a stable 5-7 hours a night.
For now, thanks for reading and stay safe everyone!
PS. This blog entry is published without re-reading or subsequent editing, so forgive me if it isn’t grammatically up to its usual standard.
Listening to: Donna Summer – I feel love
Don’t worry too much about being productive–you’ve got a baby on the way! It’s hard to feel like being pregnant is productive in the moment, but it all counts.
Thank you! I try not to be too hard on myself.