It’s currently 5AM, RJ just finished his middle of the night bottle and fell back to sleep, I’ve gotten a refreshing amount of sleep already so here I am awake and thinking.
A lot of times my thoughts drift back to Munich. It was 2018, so a good 3 years have passed already, but it was a chance. My mentor for my internship had offered me a job position for September. I finished my internship in May. Husband said at the time why not, as long as he worked on the ship. I was so in love with the city and it was the first place I really wanted to move to.
Well… But I was also already set on having a baby in the near future. I was afraid of the unknown considering maternal leave and the compensation for it. Estonia has quite comfy laws regarding that, 1.5 years of paid leave with 100% of your salary amount (calculated by taking a 12 month average income before pregnancy), then on top another 1.5 years of unpaid leave.
So the option fell away, I worked the summer in Estonia and had aquired a huge distaste for the industry, especially comparing to my experience in Munich. Husband proposed to me, and we started building our life together even more. We have real estate here (which is quite uncommon before 30s), I found a stable job as a spa & sports’ centre administrator, enjoyed it a lot and we stayed.
Before writing this I was asking myself if staying and not biting the bullet was the right decision. This is for sure caused by wanderlust and by being quarantined fully for the last 2 weeks, I’m just coming out of experiencing COVID. Husband had it mild, RJ had no symptoms but I was out of commission for a week. Being a socially starving extrovert anyway, I don’t know which took a bigger hit, my physical or mental health.
So here couldn’t help wondering if I did it right. The irony is, my grandma once had a shot at going to Germany when there were difficult times but she stayed. All things considered though, it makes sense why I am here as I am. Everything was planned out to be as optimal as possible, and the best conditions for that were here.
Still, my mentor at the time will always stay with me as a shining example how I want to live my life, the youthful energy and high spirited approach despite being in their 60s. It was baffling in a great way.
Maybe I can pull it off here, maybe I can pull off everything that I’m planning right now. Driving license (I know it’s a common thing, but to me it seems like the steepest mountain to climb and get over), career pivot to IT, work-family life balance. I pulled off being in construction, which was the hardest thing for a long while before I finally adjusted to that learning curve and got better.
Past what-ifs generally make me uncomfortable. I’m not a clean slate anymore and that’s okay. Everything that got me here has been my own choice. And frankly, being here in the dark early morning; RJ, the cat and my husband near me, I’m happy. It’s all going to be okay.
With that I’m gonna end this musing and get some more sleep while I can. Thanks for reading!
-Ann
One Day at a Time 
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