Not all days are the same…

Today my brain feels like it’s been compressed. I get this feeling every so often and recognize the subdued stress and anxiety that causes the feeling. I already woke up like this. Dreamt that I was in a driving lesson and my breaks weren’t working. Actual driving lesson went okay but definitely not my best.

Today is one of those days where my goals seem far away and unreachable, unrealistic. I know they aren’t really. But I have no idea when or how I will get to a point to actually get a driving license. Whenever I feel confident, suddenly I do worse and feel like I was deluding myself. Feels like stagnation. It’s scary to even try to put a date down, I’m afraid of disappointing myself.

Next week I’m also driving with the other teacher, he’s more serious and I haven’t seen him since last spring. For some reason I remember the worst anxious moments but not the fact it was okay mostly. Talk about memory bias.

So while I used to spiral into negative thoughts putting myself down, now this state just manifests in that brain fog and feeling listless. Husband has been at sea for a week now so maybe that’s manifesting as well. I do have people around me but this week has felt like constant juggling. Driving lessons, organizing babysitting for RJ, stroller walks with someone socializing along me.

For a few days I kind of need to recharge, which is weird given I’m an extrovert. But normal life has been gone for over a year now, the on and off semi-lockdowns have really challenged my mental well being.

So right now I want to live in the future where I already have my license, but it just makes me disappointed that the future is not here yet. It’s a good wakeup call for me to ground myself back into the present. So I will try to take at least a few days where no planning or wayward daydreaming occurs, rather just being in the moment.

I’ll get there when I get there. Until then I’ll just continue doing my best to learn.

Thanks for reading this, for now I’ll be signing off.


Listening to: Sam Cooke – (What a) Wonderful World

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