Lately I’ve been dealing more with my anxieties and eating my feelings. I went through a 3-day low I haven’t been in a long time. It felt disasterous.
I reached out to online psychological counseling resources, found the book “Unwinding anxiety” and currently working through it. The mind mapping concept in there (identifying my trigger, behaviour and result) has been exhausting, but I keep at it. I think it’s helping a bit. But the progress is slow.
There was also the realization I’ve been extremely defensive and pessimistic in situations I used to view through a much more positive lens. Not in my initial actions but in my head. I was pushing my extended family away and always revved myself up like people were out to get me. It dawned to me only yesterday.
It’s no news I’ve been struggling reconciling my identity as a mother without feeling I was giving my personal identity up. That is definitely a big reason for my defensiveness. I didn’t want anything else threatening me when I myself felt threatened by my daily existence. This has been slowly changing though. Every day I’m enjoying motherhood more and more. But the habit of being on guard persisted because that’s pretty much all I felt for the first 4-6 months postpartum. Kinda easy to mix it up as “part of my motherhood identity”. Only now I’m realizing it doesn’t have to be this way.
Who I used to be? A very social and active person. Today I’m gonna go visit relatives with RJ instead of constant evading for reasons I don’t even know.
Also, what was a huge part of my prepartum identity, was working out. I’ve not been able to stick to much besides walking. I did jump rope when husband was at home but given the moody weather here, while with a stroller, I’ve been conflicted about bringing the jump rope. What I did do was find a dance workout I enjoyed. It’s no lifting weights but at least it’s fun!
This had me thinking to make a conscious decision in doing what I really enjoy. Videochatting with one of my best friends really solidified that for me. She usually has differing perspectives we can discuss and I learn something new from it. From our last call she encouraged me to try something I’ve been wanting to try for a long while.
I’ve admired epoxy resin art so much but kept myself from trying it because it needs supplies and I have tons of other crafts’ supplies (mainly yarn) hogging up space. But I like experimenting with crafts. So why not allow myself this. I’ve been exclusively working with yarn for about 2-3 years now. What I want to try most about resin is acrylic painting between the layers.
So yeah. I’m slowly starting to feel like myself, 8 months postpartum. It’s a lot of rediscovering myself and trying to heal what hurts. Even if the latter is predominantly inside my own head.
Thanks for reading this, for now I’ll be signing off~
Listening to: Boney M – Rasputin
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