Hello, the title says it all. Today I went in with enormous anxiety, was doing so great until I got to a spot I was actually confident in and had a pretty serious mistake. I got loads of feedback but I don’t really know how I’m feeling.
Kind of numb, a bit frustrated, slightly disappointed, slightly annoyed, but otherwise my main reaction wasn’t to cry (which I was sure would be if I failed), but to think “Wow failing wasn’t that bad”. I feel like I have thicker skin and more confidence. The one who took my exam was very thorough with his critiques, so I think that played a huge part in why I’m placated about failing. There’s a lot of things apparently that I do very well when driving and I just need more practice.
Sure, it’s annoying that most of my maternity leave is going with the stress of getting my license, a part of me feels robbed of the full experience (baby classes, play dates, just enjoying being a SAHM). For sure the lockdowns have had their part in producing this feeling.
On the flipside, I can’t deny something out of home keeps me more alive, including the lessons. It’s just that driving is taking months and it feels tedious and neverending at times. I’ve invested so much into this I can’t quit. On my worst days I’ve described it as my own personal hell, a cycle that never ends just to spite me. This description is mostly sealed into my personal journal where I vent if I’m especially frustrated.
During daily life I sleep a lot and go on autopilot. I don’t know how much of it is fatigue since having COVID, fatigue from parenting or general burnout from driving school stress. Currently I’m also taking a tea break as I write this out, husband and RJ playing in the small room (We have no separate living room, so we say the big room and the small room).
I haven’t allowed myself to focus on much else aside driving school but that has to change. There are 24 hours in the day, about 10-14 where I’m active. This passive energy hoarding is okay for me physically, but mentally it’s having implications. I’m gonna have to write out and plan out something again for my own sake.
With that I’ll end this update, prepping to try again with the exams. Thanks for reading!
Listening to: Måneskin – ZITTI E BUONI
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