Insecurities – Finances, Driving

Generally, I tend to be more of a frugal person. I love to save, I love to invest. I love to have control over my finances.

After I had RJ and of course being in the middle of a pandemic, takeout delivery had become a very convenient option. But sadly it’s a wildly excessive drain on the wallet. I don’t think I’ve ever been this demotivated about cooking for myself. I cook meals for RJ, try to make them balanced, and it usually takes so much energy I rather make something quick for myself or order in. I’m planning to deal with this gradually. Currently I’ve not been feeling great.

This whole year has been uncomfortable so far. Initially because driving school here is a huge investment. Especially in my case, I was a very slow learner in terms of driving and it still grates me. I put all my savings into driving lessons. It felt frustrating and it still feels frustrating. It’ll keep feeling frustrating until I pass my DMV road test. I don’t know if I was even intimidated about birth as much as I am about this road test.

Most of the intimidation comes from the fact that for the first 70% of my lessons I was absolutely terrified of driving. So I put my money into a place I didn’t want to even go to for the longest of time and now I have only one step left. But that last step, I’ve been on too many forums because there are a lot of urban rumors about the instructor not letting a person pass just because. Though anyone I know personally, they told me that’s not the case. Still, somehow my brain thinks maybe if I think and worry enough about it it’ll somehow prepare me.

It’s a huge sore point for me, I want to be mad at someone for making this process so difficult for me, for the DMV lines being 2-3 months long (heavens forbid I fail and have to wait another 3 months), but I have no one to blame. I just feel a lot of anger stemming from frustration whenever I think about the DMV test. I haven’t driven in a bit, because my instructor (not the driving school one, but the person I know that has an official permit for me) was on vacation. So I’m feeling especially insecure.

When I don’t drive for more than a few days I have this irrational fear that I’ll forget everything. I always have the expectation that the DMV will expect the impossible from me.

What started out as a post with the intent to mull over takeout vs home cooking turned into this. It just goes to show how much of a focal point the upcoming test is right now. Hopefully tomorrow I can drive.

But that’s it for me now, I think I’ll be in a better mental state once the looming test has come. Have a good day!

-Ann

Listening to (audiobook): Thunderhead – N.Shusterman