Some SAHM Blues

Last time I wrote was on the high of just having gotten my license. I’ve been currently driving for 2 weeks and feel comfortable with it. I’ll be honest the freedom of easy travel has upped our life quality quite a bit. Husband had a week extension at work so he isn’t home yet, but it’s only a few days more.

Now that this very specific thing is finally done, I’ve kind of felt adrift in the middle of everything. Just pacing my daily life. Sometimes more active, sometimes less. I code about 3x a week, work out about 2-3 times a week and try to manage the chaotic task of keeping the home relatively neat. This week we had a lot of driving and going to places which burned me out.

To add a cherry on top, our street has tap water contamination and once I finally found out it was too late so I’m currently suffering through some wicked stomach cramps. There’s a pattern of when my health is not the best, I get the blues pretty fast. Currently it’s that moment. I’ve been resting as much as RJ lets me, him being an active toddler by now. I do find myself really happy and enjoying the small moments throughout the day, it’s the quiet ones when he’s already asleep that I might feel down in spirits.

There’s a lot of examining my feelings and coming to terms with my current life and roles that I have. Coming to terms how our family dynamic is set up with husband working offshore. On one hand it’s easier because now I have my hands full every day and the dynamic has worked for us for 7 years now, miraculously even through the newborn phase. On the other hand I don’t have close friends with a similar dynamic so it’s a lot of rationalizing that things just are different. It feels somewhat lonely, which is again something I can mentally work on.

Sometimes I do feel jaded over the daily workload that I’m only barely managing. The fact of being constantly almost overwhelmed is what gets me. Mom-guilt is something that wants to creep in from every side over the most random things. Tired and underslept is the new normal. Active me-time is something scarce and valuable and I still haven’t fully come to terms with that. But I have gotten better about taking a break when I need it. It frustrates the old me, it’s understandable and rational to the new me.

For about 6 weeks solo-parenting I’m very much fine, thriving even (especially now after the DMV). It’s usually the 7th week I start to feel burned out and have a hard time mentally. The brain fog gets worse and lately I’ve been especially forgetful. I need to use daily tasklists and RJ’s basic routine stamped on the fridge to structure my day. It helps immensely and I’m not ashamed about having to write everything down.

Overall, the blues and burnout are way smoother than they’ve ever been. Counseling has given me lots of perspective on how to work through feelings in a healthy way. To end this off on a good note, despite everything I feel more grounded as a person than I ever have before. Past baggage isn’t the thing driving my behaviour anymore, and that’s been an insanely important step.

Thanks for reading.

-Ann