Some more things by myself

Sometimes I wonder what’s the purpose of feeling lonely. I don’t write too often when everything’s going well, but when I feel down, my fingers itch for the keyboard. RJ is napping, I’m home, just finished watering our huge balcony garden. Husband is out visiting his parents and grandparents. I still feel envious, because even when I do have a good opportunity to go out, everyone’s working. One meeting needs weeks of advanced planning. Before having a child, I made my schedule flexible to accommodate everyone because I used to love socializing with close friends. And my mom as well. Now with two sides being inflexible, I end up not seeing people even if I could.

Like I can understand, 90% of close people are diehard introverts on top of full time jobs and my mom has two teens living at home. I can understand those perspectives, but sometimes I just want to mourn my own needs that are not met. A lot of my drive for vigilant studying and training at home is to at least use this isolation for some long term benefit. Entirely different wheelhouse, knowingly compensating.

Sometimes I have moments when I lean more into believing there’s a grand plan from the Universe. That this isolation is to teach me to value myself and do what I’m doing now in order to get further in life. To not depend on others for inner peace. Other times I open the news and wonder how have we survived so far with all the chaos in the world. All the tragedy, wars, shootings, natural disasters. I’m generally beyond doomscrolling by now, but it’s damn hard to stay positive at times. To believe things will get better within my lifetime.

I have a lot in my life, I find moments to be grateful for that. But currently those aren’t at the forefront. I wonder when I’ll finally learn to take loneliness as a fact of life and stop taking things so seriously.

With that I’m gonna end it for now and will study more.

Have a good day


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