The latter, shortly known as FOMO, it’s been something I’ve been grappling with ever since I was a child. It took me years to transform depressive and desperate feelings into self-fulfilling ones. One of the ways was definitely exercise. I’ve mentioned this earlier as well, it’s a stress release, therapeutic and makes me feel very content in my own company. The second is studying, towards whatever goal I have. In short, setting goals and forming habits that don’t necessarily require me needing to socialize. It’s made me learn to enjoy my own company.
Currently on my 9th month pregnant, it’s a bit different. My energy is zapped lately and FOMO is kicking in. Everyone seems to be going somewhere, doing something and I’m just here having my second nap of the day feeling not included. I barely have energy to cook which I need to do because I’m still diabetic for another few weeks. One fuller day of chores felt like absolutely overachieving.
I love when it’s stormy out because then I feel I’m right where I should be. Otherwise I crave social interaction with my endless days, but I cannot fault anyone for being too busy, even if I wanted to. Hormones most likely amplify these feelings.
So why am I not using my energy to study if it’s also a feel-good activity? Well, short answer is pregnancy brain. It’s a real thing and it has kicked in so bad, thinking coherently and logically has never ever been this difficult for me. One evening I debated with my friend on some deeper topics, life choices so far etc. To keep a coherent line of dialogue going, it was absolutely gruelling in a way it has never been. I’m frankly a bit embarrassed even. While I’ve usually thought too much too fast into a jumble, currently I think like a grey fog. I feel it but it’s very hard to verbalize it in my head, not to mention out loud.
So right now the angle which writing this blog helps me has changed. While it used to be to tangle out the mess of too much, now it’s more to weave together something coherent in the first place.
I want to find something I can do like this. I can still try to be relentless and try with Codecademy for 25 minutes a day, even though this Javascript module is breaking my brain. Because of that I’m reluctant at the moment, doubting myself.
I could also do driving theory tests, just to keep things fresh. Duolingo in the mornings is already established. Perhaps reading on a regular schedule again. Researching about birth and childcare has substituted that, but one can only research so much. We have nearly everything ready by now. So time to rethink my daily schedule.
After writing it out here, I’m already feeling more on solid ground than I did when I started this post. A lot is changing, I used to be freaked out about that. Moreso about the +3 years’ future. Where to take life and how to balance raising a child with a career. The anxiety if I’ll be able to get into web development. Wanting to get my driving license over with. It sounds overwhelming, but right now being on standby is easily tradable. Then again, it’s at max a month more, then my hands will be full with a lot of new experiences.
For now, I think that’s all. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
-Ann
One Day at a Time 
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