A Low state that had been building

Maybe it reflects on my previous posts, maybe not, but I have been clearly struggling with a lot of underlying frustration, guilt and irrationally feeling isolated. 

I’ve always tried to keep strong in whatever I do. Last few years have been a winding road with sharp turns and obstacles that have continuously fractured my self-belief. My own restlessness, failures and not knowing how to properly process them, a background of very low self esteem in my teens, they all possibly played into getting the snowball rolling.

For about half a year I’ve had pits I fall into, generally when my partner goes out to sea for 2 months at a time. I try to control myself but each time it still happens for a few weeks. Sudden feeling of helpless isolation until I have a breakdown or two and pick myself up for the time of reunion. Now I hadn’t told my partner this because I did not want to put any extra pressure on him. That until yesterday.

Ever since July, the helpless moments of crying from frustration or a feeling of chaos had been more frequent and with my partner witnessing them. Those always struck me with guilt and also fear. Fear that I am high-maintenance and causing him extra stress if I can’t hold my own. What would he think of me if I revealed how much I am actually struggling to hold it together!? Those kinds of thoughts. I was afraid of opening myself up in the fear of possible rejection. Which is irrational but still a prevailing feeling.

I attempted to rationalize with myself. That my constant overworrying, guilt and internal micromanaging was irrational. Yet still it kept winding up. I was more frustrated with myself why couldn’t I feel okay because rationally my life wasn’t bad. 

Last few weeks became especially bad that I felt simply being was painful. Constant internal thoughts were running and berating myself. I did crack once before my partner left, but still. The weight I felt on my shoulders didn’t ease despite the support and talking. I noticed talking had stopped helping in general.

So my partner went and during the week the internal turmoil got worse and worse until yesterday. He asked how I was and I decided to come clean to him about my mental state and that these pits happen. It was terrifying honestly. And I felt terrified throughout the evening, tempting to regret the conversation.

Today at work I noticed I was feeling sad. Very sad. But I was surprised that I felt okay with being in that state. I realized I feel liberated because I don’t have to pretend, which didn’t cause me frustration nor guilt. I acknowledge I am down, but I feel more open to positive energies. 

So this is just a recap for now, I do hope these changes are towards a healing direction.

Until next time.

Cheers~

-Ann